Unfortunately, after nine years in various work environments, I have not learnt the kinds of things I thought I might. I have not been mentored by inspired leaders, and I have not achieved the lofty, bright-eyed goals I dreamt I might when I walked across that stage and collected my shiny bachelor certificate. (There's a naive part of me that still thinks that might happen, after all, I'm only nine years in, right? Right?)
Still - I'd be remiss if I led you to believe I've learnt nothing. Because I have learned lots. And it just so happens that the things I have learned are the most important things to know if you are going to thrive and/or survive in a workplace.
So park your well-written sentences and natural talent to the side there, buddy, while I guide you through:
Things You Should Have Learnt To Do Instead of Your Degree (For Which You Are Now In Debt, Thanks Government).
DO prepare for temperature hell. I always seem to get stuck sharing an office with menopausal women who enjoy sub-zero air conditioning to counteract frequent hot flushes. It doesn't matter how early you get in to set a compromise temperature or how many times people laugh at your goose bumps, there will be no moving that dial. And should you so much as move it up a fraction, they will start talking to you about all you have to look forward to in your late fifties and show you their sweaty palms. My advice? Accept the fact that your office will forever be like Narnia before Aslan comes - always winter and never Christmas.
DO learn to Incept. Have a great idea or a priority that really needs attention? Make it someone else's idea. "Like you were saying earlier, it's really important that blah blah blah." "You were spot on when you said blah blah blah." "Completely agreed with your idea about blah blah blah." Works like a charm.
DO keep a spare pair of panty hose in your drawer because as soon as you go out for a meeting, the ones you're wearing will ladder and make you look like a cheap hooker.
DON'T be honest when your 60-going-on-30 boss asks you if you like the leopard print mini she picked up for fifteen bucks on the weekend.
DO master a neutral facial expression you can don as a mask prior to infinite meetings that unproductive people like to make so it looks like they're actually doing work. If you look dubious, unimpressed, bored, or just like you know you are surrounded by muppets, they will notice and it will be awkward for all involved as you try to disguise your thinly veiled contempt for your colleagues' time-wasting sessions.
DON'T create a game called 'Bullshit Bingo' for you and like-minded colleagues to play during a staff meeting, because someone will notice, and it will not be easy to explain that one away.
DO wash your shit up in the kitchen. I firmly believe more than one major company schism has been caused by debates over who didn't wash up their toast plate and who's turn it is to take out the garbage. The thing is, it's not that hard... just don't be a dick. Or invest in plastic cutlery.
DON'T forget your audience and voice a particularly lame idea in irony, because they won't get it, and you'll end up championing what was essentially a sarcastic joke.
DO prepare some bathroom small talk for when you find yourself washing hands at the same time as Margo from accounting.
DO play subtle games to stay sane. I like to introduce an odd word or phrase or lame piece of 80s corporate lingo and see who adopts it.
DO bring ear plugs if you have to share an office. There's an actual thing called 'misophonia' which is when a normal and ordinary sound makes you furious. I developed that once with the sound of my boss eating. Regardless - ear plugs come in handy if your office-buddy types loudly, has a bad habit of speaking to themselves out loud about everything, adopts a nauseating phone voice, and so on. Having a pair of those suckers on standby in your drawer can absolutely prevent work related violence.
DON'T look on Seek for a new job... while you're at your current job. Unless you can absolutely guarantee you won't get sprung and there isn't a monitor on your IT system.
So there you go - things that would have been more helpful to learn at university. I hope found it helpful.
I won't even charge you HECS.
